Rough week

It has been a really tough week.  But, I have learned to change my strategy and am feeling better about things.  I have had a headache for the past seven days and I am tired of it.  I now dread coming home and I am tired of that too.  I live in a world of negativity and I am tired of it.

 I am tired of grandma constantly bossing around my children.  If I get tired of hearing it, I'm sure they do to.  That is probably why they have seemed a little stressed out here lately.  And when the children are stressed out, mommy is not too far behind.  She insists that we all stay in the same room together and then the proceeds to sit in her chair and yell at us about all the things we are doing wrong.  I mean, I have two small boys and they like to wrestle around with each other, GET OVER IT!  The concept that I am their mom and I am allowing certain things to go on means nothing to her.  If they leave the room, she will get up and follow them and then demand they come back in the living room where she can watch them.  Meanwhile, I continue to send them into their room to get a break from the madness and play with their toys, and a while later she is right after them again.  Today she asked me why I disagree with everything she says and so I decided to be honest with her and tell her that she needs to stop mothering my children and let me do it.  That is my new stradegy...telling her like it is.  Being upfront and as honest as possible.  I even told her she was being paranoid the other day...which she totally was. 

The other evening after dinner the telephone rang and it was someone wanting me to take a survey.  Now usually I don't partake in these things, but this one interested me so I played along.  Right away grandma starts telling me that I need to hang up because I am not supposed to talk to people like this.  You see, we have warned her about giving out information over the phone because of all the scams out there.  She continues to yell to me and then gets up and gets in my face, to which I wave her away.  She disappears from the kitchen where I was and a few minutes later I can hear someone breathing into the phone...SHE WENT AND PICKED UP THE OTHER PHONE AND WAS LISTENING IN ON MY CONVERSATION!!!  I couldn't believe it.  After I hung up I asked her if she had picked up the other phone and she admitted to it with a no-nonsense air and told me "I just wanted to see what they were talking you into buying."  Apparently, the thirty times I told her exactly who I was talking to didn't register. 

The same night I notice that she had cut apart one of my boys' hooded towels.  She doesn't like to fold them, so while I wasn't at home she cut off the hood and folded the towel up and put it in the bathroom cabinet.  Needless to say, after that, I JUST ABOUT LOST IT!  I think I actually saw red I was so mad.  I seems like I leave her alone at home and, like a dog left by its owner, she goes completely crazy.  She just runs around and gets into everything she's not supposed to.

I went to my friend's house the other day and we hung out for awhile then I did all my errands that I had to do.  I was gone from the house a total of seven hours.  I woke up early and put a pot roast in the crock pot and left it cooking on low all day.  When I came home (remember it was seven hours later) the roast was boiling on high and part of it had been eaten.  I immediately asked her about it and she denied doing anything besides stirring it.  Apparently it was someone else.  Someone snuck into the house, without her knowledge, and turned it up to high and then they ate some of it.  You just can't trust your neighbors!  Earlier that day I was kind of toying with the idea of getting a little part time job.  And that little idea was totally shot to death when I got home.  I realized that I can NOT leave her alone.  I suddenly felt like a prisoner in this house.  I can not get any sort of job because I can't leave her alone for very long at a time.  I had the realization that my freedom is limited.  When we first moved in I could stay gone most of the day and she was fine.  I could even be gone for meal time and she would do fine.  But that day I realized that things have changed over that past year. 

Why I do it...

I find myself getting irritated with situations that I encounter with the woman that used to be my grandmother. Little things like her constantly disciplining the boys, even after I tell her things are fine. Or her getting onto me for disciplining my boys when they truly deserved it. Or her coming into the room and turning off the television that we were all watching. Or her telling me to do the same thing, over and over, everytime she walks into the room. It is these situations that I have to take a step back and remind myself why I do this. This woman is not my grandmother anymore, this disease has taken over her mind and she is not there. Every now and then grandma will emerge with a familiar story. But then she disappears again when she tells the story to me over and over. It is my job to take care of this woman. To clean up after her messes, to overlook her telling me the same stories over and over and seem interested everytime, to tolerate the hostilities she sometimes expresses, to make sure she gets the correct medication on time. And this is why...

Growing up I always had a place to go. It was my grandparent's house. I always had someone there waiting after school. I always had food to eat, because whatever was in the fridge was "yours if you want it" and I always wanted it! If I wanted to play beauty shop then grandma would have barretts all over her head by the time mom came to pick me up. If I wanted to play horse then both my grandparents would get down on all fours and let me ride on their backs and they would be tied up to the dining room table when mom got there to pick me up. I played dress up, got into all her costume jewelry, learned to sew, learned to garden, learned to cook. This woman was a fountain of knowledge and she was all mine, or at least that's how I felt. I always had a ride to voice lessons, pom practice, ball games, anywhere I wanted to go. Now don't get me wrong, I have the best mom in the world who has always had time for me. But, I have two other sisters who also had practice and needed to go here or there. So, it was nice to have my grandparents as just one more thing I could count on. They were my rock. As I grew up my needs and wants changed but their desire and ability to help me never did. I never lacked for love and support from them. Until now.

Anytime I would step foot into the house, a sense of calm would come over me. I knew I was safe. When my marriage fell apart it was no suprise that I came running back to my safe haven, my grandparent's house. Unfortunately I didn't find it the way I'd remembered it just years before. What I found was a widow that was barely hanging onto the ability of living alone. We lost my grandfather nine years ago so grandma was doing okay being without him, but she was living in a new world with this disease. I am so sorry that I didn't realize sooner how bad she was getting, but I thank God everyday that I am here now.

I owe so much to both my grandparents that I can never repay them. But the thing with family is, they don't keep score. There was no running tally in my grandmother's head of all the things she did for me. There was never any question of what she would get in return. There was only pure love and the complete desire the help however she could. Even if I didn't ask for it sometimes. All she ever wanted to do was help me. And now I am given the opportunity to do the same.

I get aggravated and irritated daily. I don't know if I can take another day. I consider moving out and getting my own place with my own things and my own rules. And then I remember why I do it...and I wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

Family Vacation

I just got back from a week long trip with my entire family.  My grandmother, aunt and myself rented a minivan and drove 15 hours to Florida to spend the week on the beach.  Grandma was NOT looking forward to this trip at all.  She does not like to leave the house and was not looking forward to spending that much time in a car.  Because I was looking forward to spending 15 hours stuck in a van with my grandmother, who is complaining about EVERYTHING, my aunt, who has arthritis and sever neck and back pain, and my two small children.  For those who can't tell...I am being completely sarcastic.  But, we survived. 

While we were in Florida we had a pretty good time.  Grandma stayed at the house a lot while we all would go run around...shopping, out to eat, etc.  She doesn't like to do these things at home, so I figured she wouldn't want to on vacation.  Also, I was concerned that she was getting overly tired and wanted to make sure she was given plenty of time to rest.  We cooked a lot at home and someone was always popping in and out of the house to check on her.  However, she still found plenty to complain about. 

It's been about a week since we've been back home and grandma has let all of us know that she was truly neglected on our vacation.  This honestly makes me angry.  I'm not sure how many of her friends are going on vacations to the beach with their families.  Most of her friends I know of are either no longer living or in a nursing home.  I just get so aggravated that my family and I try to do something nice for her and she can not even bring herself to appreciate it.  This disease makes her feel completely alone and therefore, neglected.  Since we've been back I have been working like crazy to get unpacked and everything cleaned and put away from the trip.  And getting the house ready for winter.  You know, bringing in the plants, swapping our summer clothes for winter clothes in the closets.  She has done NOTHING but complain about how messy the house is, how much laundry I do, and how I am not winterizing everything fast enough. 

Also, I am having some trouble with her interfering with the children again.  I had to raise my voice to her the other day in an attempt to get her attention and let her know I was serious.  The boys have been sick the past few days and we have stayed at home.  She repeatedly comes and tells me their symptoms and how I am not properly taking care of them.  I should have them all bundled up because it is cold in the house and it is no wonder they have bad coughs.  I remind her that the house is 76 degrees and is only cold to her because of her poor circulation.  Everytime I turn around she is trying to wrap the boys in her blanket and begging them to curl up in the chair with her.  She is also interferring when I try to put them to bed.  I have gotten out of the shower and she has gone into their rooms and gotten them both out of bed.  She also encourages them to run from me and not mind me.  She find it entertaining and laughs and cheers them on. 

I am currently dealing with keeping her from interfering with the children at meal times.  She tries to feed my youngest, who loves to feed himself, and when he doesn't eat for her, she takes his plate away and he is left in the highchair with nothing.  I have been having trouble getting the boys to eat lately.  Perhaps it is because they are not feeling well, but they have been really fighting over what I have been preparing for meals.  They are never happy with it or want to eat it.  So, everyday for every meal she tells me that I should prepare only things they like and enjoy eating.  What?!?  Who does that?  I try to explain that my children would die of heart attacks by the age of six if they only ate chicken nuggets and french fries three meals a day. 

I am so exhausted right now.  Getting back from vacation and immediately having to deal with two sick kids and grandma is not doing well.  This is almost more than I can bear sometimes.

Suprise! We're Moving In!

No, not really.  We actually moved in here nine months ago but grandma is back in her cycle of thinking we just moved in and she is frantically trying to get us organized.  She spent Friday afternoon organizing the cabinet with the plates.  When she was finished it looked like a tornado hit it.  There were plates and bowls and even a few cups put all over the place.  My parents came over for dinner and my mother got to see firsthand grandma's handywork.  If she creates this kind of craziness on a little cabinet how do you think the rest of the house looks?  Grandma has been doing laundry like crazy.  Every night the boys and I put our dirty clothes in the hamper and the next day grandma will wash them.  It may sound nice, having your laundry done for you practically the instant you take it off.  But, she does the laundry about as good as she organizes the cabinets. 

She tries to watch the news and keep up with current events, but the news goes too fast and she can't remember anything she reads in the paper.  The other day she was sitting in her chair watching the news and I was in the kitchen and she yells to me that they are removing the letters C,Q, and X from the alphabet.  WHAT?!?  I can't even imagine what story she actually heard to think they said they are going to start removing letters from the alphabet!  Like from now on instead of having a car we will all just be driving around in ars?  And England will no longer have a Queen, they will just have Ueen Elizabeth?  What in the world?!?  Needless to say, I had NO response for her. 

Recently Chaz Bono has been in the news due to his being on Dancing with the Stars.  She is completely determined that this poor person has had three sex changes in his life.  Apparently, Sonny and Cher were upset because they had a little girl and from the beginning tried to convince her that she should be a boy.  Then, they decided to have their daughter turned into a son.  Later, Chaz thought he really wanted to be a girl after all and changed himself back into a girl.  And after that she decided she really wanted to be a man so she changed herself back into a man with a third operation.  At first she was disgusted with Chaz, or rather the idea of Chaz.  But after watching him perform the last few weeks on DWTS she now feels sorry for him and was wanting me to vote for him.  She thinks it will improve his self-esteem.  She also blames the parents for him having to go through all this.

At this point I have no idea where in the world she is getting this information or what the actually information is that she is getting so badly confused.  So, I am off to get organized and work to remove the letters C, Q, and X from my vocabulary.

Grandma Makes Dinner

So I had planned on making the classic southern meal of cornbread, a pot of beans and greens.  Grandma got very excited about this idea. She always tells me that this is the only meal she ate growing up. Even though I make this meal every couple of weeks, she doesn't remember.  She keeps saying that we haven't had a proper meal since I moved in.  I finally reminded her that I had been here for almost nine months and we have had lots of meals.  She was totally shocked that I had been here so long.  She thought we'd just moved in and is also wanting us to get organized again.  The cycles continue. 

I put the beans on to cook and she takes them over while I sneaked off to put my boys down for their naps.  I come back and the beans are cooking away and she said she took care of them.  I assume they are good since she has made this dinner hundreds of times over the years.  A couple of hours go by and she goes to stir them and asks me if I have seasoned them and when was the last time I stirred them.  She begins to get onto me for not paying close enough attention.

Later I go to the store and pick up some fresh spinach and turnip greens.  I got home and asked if she could get started on them.  She was telling me earlier in the day exactly how I should go about cooking them.  I thought she had it covered.  I stay outside and play with the boys a little and by the time I make it in she had the spinach in a pot of boiling water, the turnip greens in two piles on the bar...one pile was blanched and the other was completely raw, and had cut the leaves off the radishes I'd picked from the garden and was washing them in the sink.  I tried to ask her what she was doing and what her plan was and she just got more and more flustered.  She said the radishes were spinach, and I said no they were radishes.  Then she said the radishes were turnips and I said no they were radishes.  I asked what she was doing with the turnip greens and she said they were all bad and needed to be thrown out.  Finally she asked what I thought her plan was and I had NO idea.  The kitchen was in a mess.  She then gets mad and yells at me that this is why she is not supposed to be in charge of anything.  She storms out of the kitchen and leaves me to figure out her mess.  I immediately throw out the radish greens because I don't even think you are supposed to eat them.  I make due with everything else the best I can.  In the meantime, my youngest son comes into the kitchen and cries at my feet because he is hungry.  Grandma comes in immediately, because she can NOT stand to hear him cry, and tells me to go take care of him while she finishes up dinner.  Are you SERIOUS?!? 

It is getting to the point that any project she starts ends up being a big mess for me to clean up.  Dinner, laundry, whatever.  Things can be challenging around here sometimes.

Strange Findings

So, I thought I would just share some of the small, strange things I find and deal with on a daily basis.  I just need to get some off my chest.  These things grandma does are not a big deal, just strange.  For example, my grandmother has become obsessed with sweets.  The fridge is filled with food and there are all kinds of fresh fruits and vegetables at her fingertips, but she will pick the cookies or brownies every time.  This is something I have heard other older people doing, but I have never experienced it first-hand.  Friday I made a big pan of brownies, the family size.  I had one brownie and the boys had a brownie and my grandmother ate the rest of the pan in just two days.  I don't know how she did it, but she did.  So, by Sunday the brownies were gone and on Monday my aunt brings by a loaf of banana bread she just made.  Again, I had a piece and the boys had a piece of the bread.  Then, a few hours later the loaf is half gone.  I even catch her having a piece of banana nut bread with her meatloaf for dinner.  Gross!  Later that night I decide I would like a little something sweet and I go look for the banana bread and I can't find it anywhere.  I check the cabinets, the fridge and then the freezer.  There it is...why?  It is also wrapped heavily with saran wrap.  I look over and notice she has unwrapped the taco shells I had wrapped the night before and wrapped the bread in that and left the taco shells sitting on the counter.  That is just a weird thing to do. 

Every night I wash the dishes and leave them out to dry.  And every morning she tells me she was going to put them away but didn't know where they went.  She always puts them away anyway in random places.  So, for the rest of the day I will open a cabinet and stop to rearrange its contents.  The boys' spoons, for example, are things she has no idea what to do with.  She tells me, "now I don't know where you want these, so I've just been putting them here."  Unfortunately, the "here" she refers to is different every time she says it.  I find these things everywhere, all over the kitchen, in every drawer and cabinet. 

Yesterday I was going to a friend's house but had to get the recycle to the curb before I left.  I was running back and forth, in and out, carrying out our recycleables.  I run to the curb and drop off some newspaper and by the time I make it back to the porch she had locked the screen and locked me out.  I knock and she is no where to be found.  Apparently she was in the back of the house and couldn't hear me knocking...for five minutes.  Needless to say, I was late to meet my friend. 

So, there are a few examples of my strange findings. 

Rough Week

Yesterday I took my grandmother's pills away from her.  I have been in charge of administering them all along but have always left the bottles in the medicine cabinet.  But, yesterday I made the decision I had been putting off and I have moved the medicine into my room and hid it away from her.  This is something that I have been dreading but it finally had to be done.  I know she is not getting any better.  So, last night I gave her her pills while we ate dinner.  After dinner she asked me twice is she'd taken them and I reminded her that she had and exactly when and how she ate them.  I have to step out of the house and run an errand and it takes me half an hour.  Now remember, I told her right before I left she had already taken her pills, but when I get back I open the cabinet to prepare her morning pills and find the pill bottles have all been rearranged and some are out and I don't know if she took more or not.  So, for her safety, I am hiding her pills from her.  I am dreading the conversation we are bound to have eventually about where they are and why.  But, I guess this is just part of it. 

She has also been really bossy over the last couple of weeks.  She tries to be in charge of everything, me and the boys included.  This can be trying on my nerves.  She has been saying, "okay, I have to leave the room now, you are in charge of the boys."  She reminds me of how fast I am driving and how I should remember the "precious cargo" I have in my backseat.  I go the speed limit, but apparently 70 mph is too fast, even on the interstate.  When I have trouble getting one of the boys to eat all his dinner she begins to tell me what I have done wrong all day to make this happen.  Apparently in her day she did not give her children snacks throughout the day.  I do.  Also, she never drank anything with her meal, she always waited until she was completely done eating before she would drink.  I let my children drink and this is wrong.  And I am reminded numerous times a day because she forgets from minute to minute what she is saying. 

The kicker is, to a stranger or someone that doesn't talk to her everyday or live with her, she sounds completely fine.  You ask her what she did today and she goes through a list of laundry, dishes, ironing, etc.  These things sound completely believable and completely fine.  Unfortunately, nothing is true.  She doesn't do any of these things anymore.  I do the laundry and the dishes because she can't figure out which bottle of detergent to use, and she can't remember where the dishes go to put them away.  She also can't do the ironing because she can't rember where the ironing board is or the iron.  Old relatives or friends call that haven't talked to her in months or even years and she goes on and on and about ninety percent of it is false. 

I do feel sorry for her.  I think she must feel really alone because she doesn't remember when people come by or call.  She thinks no one cares or remembers her.  She also does not realize that she has alzheimer's.  This is challenging for both of us. 

And We're Back...

Okay, so it has been a VERY long time since my last post and now I am back.  I have been out of town for the last month and grandma has been here staying with my mom and aunt.  I called to chat while out of town and she totally tattled on them.  Things they wouldn't let her do and how unfair they were being.  It was so cute and funny.  I just let her vent. 

When I got back she was tickled to see the boys and myself.  And all evening she has been telling me all her stories over again.  Like the little brown bowl that she has in the kitchen.  She used to have a set of two or three of these mixing bowls.  But, over the years they have gotten broken or misplaced and now she is down to one.  She truly believes that this one bowl is all she has ever had and at one time, a long time ago, she dropped that bowl and it cracked.  She didn't want to throw it away so she just put it in the back of the cabinet.  Since I moved in, I have been using this bowl.  Every time I get it out she tells me the story of how she cracked it a long ago and over the years the bowl has grown back together. 

Poor grandma is constantly getting lost in the kitchen.  She told me tonight that she just can't find anything in the kitchen cabinets after I moved in.  I didn't move anything and I reminded her of this, but apparently I have been piling things in front of hers and she can't find her things anymore.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that is wasn't just since I moved in, that she couldn't find things before. 

Apparently this week the garbage man accidently dropped her trash can into the truck and ripped it to shreds.  My mom discovered this and she and grandma drove up and down the road and checked around the house to see if someone had perhaps carried it off.  This all happened this morning and when I got home she told me that we had been robbed.  It happened last night and she wasn't here, thank goodness.  They stole everything that was outside...the trash can, the recycle bin, and the mail box.  She was very distraught about where she was going to put her papers.  She is so cute!  I reassured her that the recycle bin was still out there and I could take her papers out and told her about the trash truck eating the can and they would be replacing it.  A few hours later she asked me how I was going to get the mail since the mailbox was gone.  Poor thing didn't remember. 

She has started referring to the time before when she could remember things.  And she is starting to refer to this more and more.  Like she is more aware that she is losing her memory?  Too soon to tell I guess...

Phone Calls

I have a phone and my grandmother has a phone.  But, my phone rings more than hers and this makes her mad.  Apparently it is a competition to see who can get more phone calls during the day.  Not only am I younger and my friends are still alive so they can call me, I am also busy doing things and often need to touch base with people about these things.  I babysit and sometimes the child's mother will call.  Or my sister confirming plans we have.  Or the boys' doctor confirming an appointment.  Or just whoever.  It doesn't matter who, it only matters that they are not calling to talk to grandma.  My phone is an internet phone and if I am on it too much during the day my grandmother will unplug the router.  She also does this if I am on the computer too much.  I have been looking around the house for my cell phone and when I ask her if she has seen it, she pulls it from her shirt pocket.  I have been on that too much and she has hidden it from me.  So, if the internet has been disconnected and the cell phone has been hidden, don't even think about calling her house phone and asking for me.  This sends her into a rage and she will sigh and fret so loudly on the phone in a labored effort to get it to me.  Then she will complain the whole time I am talking as well as some time after I hang up. 

Don't call and leave a message with her either.  She will either forget you called completely, like she did my dad the other day, or get the message totally distorted.  I was going to feed the cat of a friend of mine while she was gone out of town.  I was running late to meet her so she called and told my grandma that she was still waiting and would wait until I showed up.  When I got home grandma said that my friend had called and said not to worry about the cat, she was already on the road and had found someone else to feed him.  I, knowing my grandmother's ability to take messages, called my friend back to find her waiting at her house for me. 

The other day my sister was over and doing some work on my computer and as she was finishing up she goes to push the send button on an email she had spent quite a while completing and...nothing happens.  The computer is offline.  That's right.  She had been on there too long according to grandma so the router was unplugged. 

I have to admit, at first this was a little irritating.  Like right now she just walked in here and rolled her eyes at me after seeing me on the computer.  And I know next she will start saying how even though I am here she feels all alone because I never talk to her.  I spend all my time on the computer or phone.  I don't get upset by this anymore.  My family and friends have figured out how and when to call me and I know that if I sat and stared at her all day long she wouldn't remember it ten minutes later. 

There is no pleasing this woman who used to be pleased as punch that I called and talked to her for five minutes.  Now I live in the same house with her and I can't do anything right.  She finds a negative spin on everything and is so unhappy it is sad to watch.  But here I am, watching and trying my best to take care of her daily needs as I now know and have accepted I can not take care of her emotional needs.

It's Been a Rough Week

My grandmother was telling me about the old days and she was remembering when her children were small like mine.  She was reminising and happily telling me of what they had and didn't have and how many new things we have now.  She said they didn't have much but they sure were happy.  And with that thought, she turned and left the room and suddenly broke into song...  I stopped and looked around and watched her walk down the hallway singing her little heart out.  I had to laugh to myself and suddenly felt I was living in a musical or something.  Like grandma gave her last thought and then the band started up and off she went, singing away.  It was hysterical!  The boys loved it too.  They love the old songs she comes up with and she has been teaching them some of them.  'Someone's in the Kitchen with Dina' is my oldest son's favorite! 

This past week I have been babysitting my nephew since he has been on summer break from school.  There has been some extra noise in the house and some added stress on grandma because he is one more kid for her to tell how to play.  And then Miss Kitty died.  She was the stray cat grandma and I rescued more than a decade ago.  We woke up the other morning and she lay there in the front yard and wasn't breathing.  This has been very stressful for grandma.  She can't get the details straight on when the cat died and she tells a random story to people that is completely NOT true.  And then, Friday night, after this stressful week, grandma asks me how many kids do I have?  The four of us, grandma, the boys and myself, were all seated around the table eating our dinner and she asks me how many kids are mine?  I looked up and she was completely serious.  It was sad.  I told her these two are mine and that is all I have.  She said she thought that was true but was also thinking I had a third...my nephew.  I told her no, he actually belongs to my sister.  I comforted her with the fact that I had been babysitting him a lot this week and she probably just got confused because he had been here so much. 

She is getting worse. 

I was watching her during dinner one night this week and she has started looking really old.  She is looking more feeble.  She stumbles more when she walks, her memory is getting worse.  She loses things immediately now.  I ran an errand and was gone for ten minutes and she was completely paniced when I got home.  She had forgotten where I had gone and was thinking I had been gone all night and she hadn't taken her medication.  The pills were out on the bar and she had already taken them.  I had been home all evening and told her I was running to my parents' house but she had gotten completely confused in the few minutes I was gone. 

She is getting worse...

A Little Funny

My grandmother and I have a garden this year.  It is my first garden so I am really excited but also a little unsure of myself.  I am relying on my family to help me figure this out.  The other day I was working in the garden and when I came in and grandma is all worked up because we need a double shovel plow or else the garden will not do well.  She stayed on this topic for a couple of days so I mentioned it to my mom, what is a double plow shovel and where would I find one?  She laughed and told me I would first need to get a donkey to pull it!  Apparently that is the plow grandma would use when she was a girl and that is what she was remembering that week!  We are still laughing about it.

My grandmother has a cat, Ms. Kitty.  It was a stray we found years ago.  Grandma feeds her twice a day...morning and evening.  But, lately she can't keep it straight whether or not she fed her.  I will walk by the patio door and see Ms. Kitty's face pressed up against the glass.  I always ask grandma if she fed her and she always says yes.  I secretly go out and feed her "more" and she just devours it!  Because grandma is getting all the other times she fed Ms. Kitty confused.  Another thing she does is feeds her every couple of hours and gripes that she doesn't eat..."the neighbors must be feeding her."  I giggle to myself.  The reality is that no cat could eat that much!  So, grandma will go and pick up Ms. Kitty's food "so the other animals don't eat it," forget she did, and next thing you know, Ms. Kitty is starving again and can't find her food bowl.  Poor cat! 

Last night grandma and I were watching Pawn Stars and a commercial came on advertising a restaraunt.  The commercial had a couple in it having a very romantic dinner and she immediately goes to turn the  television off in a huff because of the filth they put on there.  She does not want to watch "that sex stuff."  Before she can locate the remote the people start eating their dinner and she calms down.  Then, this morning I wake up and find her watching a Jerry Springer-like show about a father molesting his young daughter.  They are talking about all the horrible things he did to her and how much porn he watched and this she is watching intently.  What?!?  Then, after the show is over and the lie-detector test results come back to confirm this man is a monster, she looks at me and says "there is no difference in a father changing his daugher's clothes than a mother changing her son's clothes."  I am speechless to find she got NOTHING out of that program.  She thought the mom was just mad that the father would dress the daughter.   The night before she wouldn't watch a commercial with a man and woman kissing and this morning she is tuned into this show where they are bleeping out words and throwing things at each other! 

Sometimes it helps to just take a step back and laugh about some things...

It's Me Against the World

Well, the breakthrough we had and the good day is now over.  Today we had a birthday party to attend at lunch time.  So, we get up (late because the one year old had a bad night) and eat breakfast and hang out around the house.  As soon as I start getting ready she asks, again, where we are going today and I remind her of the birthday party.  This is something she is obviously not invited to as it was for my college friend's two year old.  She gets mad that I am not inviting her, but I don't, and she starts ragging on the party about how the boys don't really want to go to that and we are all the time leaving the house and we never stay around to hang with her.  This she says today after I have been at home the last two days only leaving to pick my nephew up from school.  I just blow off her fit and continue to get ready and leave the house anyway, not inviting her to come.

We return to the house a few hours later, hang out, get a snack and then we are off to the library.  About an hour later we are back at the house and I begin cooking dinner.  We have a nice dinner and go on the patio to eat when all of a sudden both boys decide they do not want to eat anything!  I try my best to get them both to eat and make no progress, so grandma steps in...

First of all, you should know that I give my children drinks.  That's right...milk is consumed with every meal and juice or water at snack times.  And, brace yourself for this, if they get thirsty during the day...I give them something to drink then too.  This is all VERY outrageous to my grandmother.  She HATES that the boys drink so much.  She reminds me of the days she worked in the field all day and only got one drink of water when she would return to the house for dinner.  Now, sometimes her and her sister would sneek off to the creek to get a drink, but that was just what they would tell their father so he would give them a break and they would go splash around a cool off in the water.  She tells me repeatedly that she has NEVER felt thirsty in her life.  She gets visibly upset that I give my children drinks all day long.  I have even caught her taking my son's cup out of his mouth mid-drink.  Every time she says this I just say that our bodies are made up mostly of water and it is very important not to get dehydrated.  She counters with she has raised four kids herself and they all turned out fine.  My next line is, "well, this is the way I do it..."

So tonight my parenting skills, and patience, were once again tested when my boys refused their dinner.  If it would have been chicken nuggets and french fries they would have been all over it, but instead they got broccoli and squash.  Vegetables, OH NO!!!  So I gave them the ultimatedum...eat dinner or bath and bed.  They chose bath and bed.  There were some cries, moans and some foot stomping, but in the end they were both bathed and placed in their beds.  Now, I almost forgot...on our way from the bathroom to the bedroom she is waiting for me, with her hands behind her back and her most solemn face, and says she needs to talk to me as soon as I can.  So I get the boys put in their beds and explain, once more why they are there, and  go to find her in the kitchen.  Where she starts in that this whole incident was partly, if not entirely, my fault. 

This is awesome!  I would recommend to anyone reading this, that if you know anyone who is a newly single parent of two small children, please find them in their most vulnerable state and tell them what a horrible parent they are...really boosts their self esteem. 

You see, it was all my fault because I got them out of the house early and kept them out all day eating whatever we could find and drinking ALL day, whatever they wanted.  No, we went out for lunch and ate pizza at lunch time and drank water.  Then, we returned home for a snack, made a quick library/farmer's market run and were back home again for dinner.  No, no, no she was all wrong.  It all boils down to the fact that she was mad that we left her this morning and didn't invite her to join us for the two year old's party.  She continues that what I really need to do is take away the drinks, then they would get hungry.  She would like it if we didn't drink anything AT ALL.  I don't understand this, but it has been a fight from the first day we moved in five months ago.  She continues further by informing me I am guiding my children down a hard road...by giving them drinks and taking them to town...and the end result will be all my fault.  Way to kick me when I'm down. 

I should mention that I do NOT enjoy putting my kids to bed early.  It is not like I just woke up one day and decided I was tired of kicking my dog and decided to have a child, much less two, that I could sit back and think of ways to torture them...put them to bed early and take away their priviledges of staying up to watch the Thomas the train movie we checked out from the library.  But sometimes I think this is exactly what grandma thinks of me. 

After she drops the bomb of what a lowsy mother I am, I decide to go water the garden.  Both boys are hanging out quietly in their beds, so I excuse myself and go outside.  I get about half way done watering the garden when my three year old knocks on the patio door and waves very happily at me.  I finish up the watering and come back in the house to find the three year old up with a juice box and the one year old playing hide and seek with grandma and the curtain on the patio door.  I tell my oldest to go get in bed and then turn to my very satisfied grandmother.  I ask her how the one year old got out of his crib and she laughs and says, " he may have had a little help.  Besides they are boys and they need some time to play after I had them in town all day."  My blood pressure starts to rise.  I ask her why she got them up and she tells me it was too early to put them down...IT WAS 8 O'CLOCK!!!  By the way she was carrying on, you would have thought it was like four in the afternoon!  Not to mention the birthday party was at Chuck E Cheese's...where a kid can a kid!!!

I decided it was time to take her to the mat.  I tried my best to explain to her that just because she didn't agree with me she did not have the right to wait until my back was turned and go get the boys out of their beds.  And yes, I checked with my three year old who totally ratted her out.  I have to admit, my blood pressure was not the only thing on the rise.  I know you are to respect your elders and I have never, to this day, yelled at my grandmother, but today I did raise my voice just a little.  I HAD to let her know I was serious.  She just said OK and stared out the patio door. 

A few minutes later she joined me in the living room, where I was rocking my one year old to sleep and reading a book.  She interrupts my reading to tell me how her children never even cried.  My little one was whimpering and whining just on the verge of sleep and not wanting to give in...her's never did anything like that.  They were all four very quiet and never cried and never got in trouble.  She is just not sure what I am doing to make mine turn out this way.

Then she picks up her Bible and begins to read.  I just nod and agree.  My same old routine when she is in one of her moods...agree with everything.  Well, maybe tomorrow will be better...

The mumbler...

Grandma talks ALL the time.  Sometimes it seems that she never stops talking.  I know this is not true and she does actually take breaks from her talking and, oh, the mumbling.  But when I am in the moment, it seems like she can't stop.  Today, the boys were down for a nap and the younger one wakes up first.  He immediately gets up and goes to his older brother who is sleeping in the chair and starts poking him in the face to try to wake him.  Grandma got such a kick out of this, it was really cute.  But then she started with the talking..laughing and telling the one year old how he should just hit that brother on his head and wake him up, he'd been sleeping long enough.  Apparently the universal rule of never wake a sleeping child has also escaped her mind.  But seriously, this is not a big deal, just a little annoying.  The laughing and carrying on while I am trying my best to keep little brother from waking up big brother.  Then I started listening to her and at one point she starts counting, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, etc.  It was almost like she wanted to be the one talking and to keep the conversation going she resorted to counting.  It was beyond strange, but I didn't say anything. 

Also, she likes to talk for the little kids.  I sometimes babysit the kid of a friend of mine and she can't talk very well yet.  So grandma talks for her, and my one year old, and for my three year old but he just corrects her saying, "no grandma, I didn't say that" and she stops.  If a baby cries she begins with, "oh mommy I need to be picked up" or "oh mommy, pay attention to me and not big brother," etc.  These things may not seem like a big deal but imagine if you heard them all day every day.  And imagine that you have three or four people depending solely on you to feed and take care of them.  You have a plan of action for meal-time or whatever you are doing.  But, you are constantly interrupted with these little one-liners grandma MUST add.  Say you are draining the boiling pasta for the mac and cheese and you really can't do that with a baby on your hip.  So the baby is crying because it's hungry and you are rushing to get lunch ready and all you can hear is, "pick me up mommy, pick me up.  Don't neglecgt me mommy, please pick me up."  Then she adds, "why don't you let me do that so you can hold the baby."  Yes, that is what I need...help.  Unfortunately grandma can't cook because she loses her train of thought.  So, the only solution I have come up with is to ignore her or throw at her the old, "he's fine, I'll get him in just a second." 

The mumbling is equally frusterating because this is done when she does not approve of something I am doing.  Not only does she like to monitor the way the kids play, she also likes to monitor the way I do laundry, dishes, driving, what I eat and how much, what I drink...you name it, she has an opinion about it and she insists on sharing it.  Often under her breath..."going back for seconds?  Hmmph."  And I can't go without mentioning the "kids didn't act like that in my day."  And all these things are mentioned under her breath.  The best part is, my three year old doesn't miss a beat and he often comes in and tells all the things grandma is saying.  She gets flustered that he is tatteling on her and we do end up having a laugh over that.  There is definitely humor here and I am glad that we can find it. 

Sometimes I miss my grandma.  We used to banter back and forth and give each other a hard time, but no longer.  She mumbles and grumbles and I agree with everything she says as not to set her off.  Yep, I really miss my grandma and all the laughs and good times we had.

My Three Kids?!?

I've been noticing some behavior issues coming from my three year old when dealing with grandma.  I finally put my finger on it today...he reacts to her the same as he reacts to my six year old nephew.  My nephew, as all older children do, tries to tell my three year old what do.  You know, be the boss of him.  My son pays no attention to him at all and continues doing exactly what he wants.  Even if my nephew is right and he really should listen to him, he just goes on with his business as if my nephew is not even there.  That is acceptable behavior for a three year old to have toward a six year old, but not so much toward an eighty-six year old.  This is my new hurdle.  Even though my grandmother acts like a child, she can not be treated as one.   I am working my hardest to make my little boy understand this.  It is a working progress for sure. 

Last night, for example, we get home from the store and come in from watering the garden and it is pretty late.  Right around bedtime.  The boys are both tired and hanging on my a thread to any decent behavior they have left in them.  So what does grandma do???  As soon as we come in she starts in on them to play with her and gets them completely riled up.  They are wrestling with her and each other and throwing balls and catching balls and then throwing all kinds of things.  I feel bad getting onto her ALL the time about how she enteracts with them.  She gets defensive and says that I won't even let her play with them.  She doesn't seem to understand the time of day and their mood.  She wants to play with them when she wants to play and they have to play her way.  So, I leave the room only to be called back into the living room where grandma is sitting in her chair waiting for me...and she's mad.  Apparently one of the boys had hurt her feelings along with her leg where he kicked during their wrestling match.  She pointed to all the spots he kicked when he took their wrestling match to the next level and she didn't want to.  So basically, she encourages him to play and then gets mad when he doesn't do it exactly her way.  And then she tattles. 

Oh, but it doesn't end there.  The other day my nephew was quietly playing trains in the floor while the little kids napped.  She got up and started moving his trains and carrying them off.  He, of course, gets mad and she begins to yell about how he is playing all wrong...he should be on the rug, not on the carpet.  I stepped in and reminded her to be quiet and that my nephew was fine because "at least he's quiet...let's not bother him."  To which she responds with, "yeah he's fine, he's just not playing like I want him to.  I really want him on that rug."  My response is an internal ugh! 

She is clearly acting like a child but demands to be treated like an adult.  She continues to remind me that she has raised four children herself and she doesn't know why I don't trust her.  I am somehow neglecting her in her mind.  The thing is, I don't trust her.  I turn my back for a minute and go to the bathroom or something and when I come out her and the boys are outside.  The other day she had my nephew, age six, and my two boys, age three and one, in the road when I came out of the bathroom.  They were getting the mail, but the road is very busy and I don't allow the boys to go to the road.  When my back turns, my rules go out the window and she feels in charge and suddenly decides to do something radical. 

Sometimes this woman really tests my patience.  But then she tells me how much she loves having the boys here and how good they make her feel when they snuggle up to her and tell her they love her, and my heart melts.  I am once again so, so thankful we are able to be here with her to take care of her.  She must feel so alone living in this messed up world this horrible disease has given her.

The Medicine Cabinet

Tonight I feel like we had a break-through.  A month or so ago my grandmother went from taking her medications on her own to suddenly taking a couple of days worth at a time.  She used to walk by her pill box and check to see if there were pills in the slot.  If the pills were there she would take them, if the pills were not there she would know/assume she had taken them and forget about it.  Then one day she went to check the pill box and saw the pills were not there.  Suddenly, instead of thinking she had already taken the pills she decided to take more.  She was taking the morning pills for Tuesday on Monday night, or Wednesday and Thursday's pills within an hour or so of each other.  I would leave the house after dinner, after I had made sure she had taken her pills, and when I returned to the house the pill box would be out on the counter or the medicine cabinet open and all the pills would be in disarray.  I decided I would give her the pills one dose at a time.  I got some little bowls and put her morning pills in them the night before.  I give her her pills at dinner, but if I am going to be gone for dinner I will leave her evening pills on the counter.  I have delayed locking the medicine cabinet because I hate to set her off.  The fewer the arguments we have, the better.  But, the last couple days I have left the house after dinner and she has been overdosing on her meds...again.

Okay, now for the break-through...

I went to the store after dinner and when I came back home I found the pills were once again out on the counter.  So, I inquired about it and asked if she had taken more pills and she responded with "only the ones I am supposed to have."  I tried my best to remind her that she had taken her pills already and she did not believe me.  Then she suggested I just stay away from her pills and let her handle them herself.  I have to say, this irritated me quite a bit.  I reminded her of overdosing last time she was left to taking her pills by herself.  So, this is the good part, she sat quietly and read for maybe ten minutes and then she told me..."maybe I should just stay away from the pills and not worry about them anymore.  If I am wondering if I took them I will just ask you."  CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!  She actually volunteered to let me be in charge of something!!!  I couldn't believe it.  I agreed with her and reassured her that I would NEVER let her go without taking them.  She went back to reading and that was that.

My Life is on Repeat

Watching my grandmother's alzheimer's progress is hard and it is something I do daily.  The new thing this week is I am now actually having to repeat about everything.  She can't keep up with our daily tasks.  Unlike some people my daily activities are not the same.  I change my plans and can go or do something on a whim and my poor grandmother can not keep up.  So I am trying to wake up in the morning and tell her all the things I plan on doing each day.  The problem is, she can't remember. 

For example, I make plans to go to my parent's house for dinner.  All day long I plan on this and I mention it to her in general conversation, "now don't forget we are going to dinner and my parent's house tonight" and she agrees.  Then, the boys and I start getting ready and I get the car loaded and she is still sitting there in her chair.  I ask her if she needs to get ready to go and she has no idea where we are going.  She responds with "you should tell me what your plans are earlier instead of right when you are ready to walk out the door."  For awhile I would just agree with her, but this week I started telling her the truth, that I have been telling her all day.

The other thing she is having problems with is she likes to know where I am going and everyone else in my family.  She asks if my mother is working today, if my nephew is in school today, etc.  And she asks me over and over again.  This morning my mother dropped off my neice for me to babysit today because my sister left early this morning to attend a business conference a few hours away.  We began talking about this plan yesterday and my sister and I solidified the details.  My grandmother was all questions trying to figure out our plans, and help us things out.  Then, this morning, my neice shows up here at the house on time and as planned and my grandmother acts as if she never heard a thing about me babysitting.  So, again this morning I go over everything I had planned today.  Over and over it again knowing she will not remember.

A Good Weekend

Well, it has been awhile since my last post, but it has also been a holiday weekend.  And a very busy weekend around here.  That is, a busy weekend for me and the boys, not so much for my grandmother.  There were cook-outs and shopping and just hanging out with family.  Unfortuantely my grandmother just wanted to stay at home all weekend.  She wanted to stay around the house in case someone might call or come by to see her.  I really feel sorry for her.  I don't understand why she would turn down an invitation to go and do something to sit around by herself.  But, maybe it was a well deserved "break" for all of us.  I know it has to be hard on my grandmother to go from living alone to having a family of three move in.  I think we both appreciate some time away from each other every now and then. 

Being away from the house a little this weekend means I wasn't here to watch what grandma was doing and fixing all the little things she does during the day.  So, this evening, I came home and started putting the dishes away only to find the dishes in the cabinets all misplaced and half of them out on the bar in plain sight.  If you remember, I have mentioned before that when we first moved in, all the dishes she uses were out all over the counters in the kitchen.  She leaves out things she uses because she will lose them if she puts them away.  I know there are more things to uncover in time. 

We got home this evening and I realized the boys and grandma hadn't been spending a lot of time together over the last couple of days.  She was getting them absolutely wired.  She was so excited to see them.  It was cute to see.  It also reminded me of how my six year old nephew acts when he hasn't seen a friend in awhile.  It is a reality I have to face that my grandmother is not the person she once was. 

This is a pretty brief post, but it has been a long weekend and I'm tired. 

Talk To Me!

My grandmother is feeling alone even though she is with someone 24 hours a day.  She feels alone and I feel frusterated.  Reason being she talks to me and tells me stories of old times and they make no sense.  I try to ask questions or correct her on some missing pieces and this only makes her angry.  So, over the last few months, I have found it easier to just sit and listen to everything she has to say and say nothing in return.  I let her talk and go on and on, knowing this is not true, and I don't say a thing.  I mean, what is the point?  Well, after some time she now feels like we never talk to each other.  So tonight I decide to have a conversation and get involved and as grandma is telling my mother a story about something from the past, she gets confused and starts to stumble and the story is not making any sense.  My mother and I try to ask questions and volunteer information we know to be true and grandma immediately begins to get upset.  She starts to raise her voice about how I don't really remember anything and mom and I don't give her a chance to talk, and she is NOT CRAZY!  This one I hear a lot.  Anytime I correct her or explain that I administer her medication to her now because she was overdosing on her own, she combats with "I am NOT crazy."  I turn into the enemy.  I turn into the person who brings it to her attention that she is no longer well.  She hates having this disease and knowing it is progressing and knowing she can't do anything about it. 

My mother brought up an interesting point tonight.  Up until now my grandmother would get confused on recent events, but she always remembered the past.  She could remember details of her childhood and of times long ago.  Now she gets her stories jumbled together and the details aren't there anymore.  She is getting worse. 

A Bad Day

Okay, so today was a bad day.  It started early and didn't end.  This post could very well be a gripe session for me...so, if you don't want to hear someone else gripe, this is not the place for you.  Today was a day filled with my grandmother doing things, random things, all day long and then I would have to go along and pick up behind her.  For example, my one year old picked up his shoes and wanted them on, so grandma sits him down and puts them on.  Not a big deal except I had just mentioned that I didn't want him wearing them.  So, I have to stop what I am doing and go take the shoes off.  He screams.  Then, I gather up my stuff to take a shower and here comes my one year old, again wearing his shoes.  So I once again take them off and remind everyone that he is not to wear them (they were covered in mud, fyi).  He screams.  So, I decide to step out to feed the dogs before I take my shower and tell everyone that the one year old can not come outside right now.  I proceed to feed the dogs and as I am coming back toward the door, here comes the one year old out the door with help from grandmother...WEARING THE SHOES!!!  So, three times I take these shoes off this little boy.  Three times I state that this little boy should not be wearing the shoes.  Yet, three times my grandmother puts the shoes on this little boy.  And three times he screams out angry with me for being the bad guy.  UGH!  This all happens first thing this morning within about 15 minutes. 

My day went down hill after that.  I spent the rest of the day going along behind my grandmother picking up and fixing, what I felt like, everything she touched.  Now I know I am overstating this but after the day I've had, I deserve it.  I unload the groceries and I leave the items for tonight's dinner out on the bar.  I leave the house for two hours and sure enough, I have to search for these items before I can prepare dinner.  She worked herself to death while I was gone putting everything away that I left out.  The only thing is, she does not remember where anything goes.  UGH!  Then, I don't make dinner fast enough and she is hungry.  Then, I go to put away the dishes and find the cabinets in disarray because grandma puts things away even though she has no idea where anything goes.  She just opens a cabinet and puts it in. And don't forget that while I am trying to fix all the things she has done, my two boys are running around, crying, laughing, and needing my attention too.  So basically, I am about ready to pull out my hair.  Do I cry, do I laugh?!? 

I decided to laugh.  You see, when I came home from grocery shopping, oh I'm sorry "running around town," grandma was complaining about there being nothing on television except the weather.  I just shrugged it off and later noticed she was watching The Weather Channel.  I didn't mention anything to her and just giggled to myself.  It's the little things that keep me going. 

After a day like today I find myself feeling alone.  I am alone and having to take care of everything.  I have to take care of my boys, take care of grandma, take care of the house, and, oh yeah, take care of myself.  Today I find myself feeling like my grandmother is burden.  She has to sense the way I feel.  I hate that I feel this way and that she probably senses it.  She was telling me today how alone she feels and unwanted.  I have to figure out what to say to her and how to make her feel better when the reality is no one hardly invites her anywhere or calls and talks for any length of time.  And when people do, she forgets about it and feels alone and unwanted.  This is what I have to bear.  Between her and boys and just life in general, I am exhausted at the end of the day. 

I am thinking of taking a trip to visit a friend in a couple of weeks.  Then the question arises of who will take care of grandma?  I don't want to put anyone out so I consider not going.  What is the right decision?  Deep down I feel that my grandmother is now my responsiblity.  Leaving town would require getting a "baby-sitter" just like I would for one of my children.  After having a "bad" day I just think I should cancel my plans and not bother anyone else.  Then again, after having a "bad" day I think I could really use a break.  I hate having these thoughts and pray for patience.  Today was a bad day.  Will tomorrow be better?  Who will I wake up to in the morning?

No, that's mine!!!

Today's topic hit me first thing this morning.  My one year old was playing with some pictures of mine and my grandmother had an absolute fit.  She was on the phone, which means she has to sound more like she is in charge to impress whoever she is talking to, and she begins getting on to my boy for playing with my picture.  I pipe up from the other room trying to referee before this argument gets out of control and I simply state, "it's okay if he plays with that" to which she responds with "that is MY picture and I don't want him ruining it."  It came to me in a flash that every since we've moved in everything suddenly belongs to my grandmother.  I tried to correct her, but didn't get anywhere...she persuaded the picture away from the one year old after she thought I was out of ear shot.  If things don't have my name on them she takes them as her own.  I have mentioned things of mine that I couldn't find and shortly after I notice her coming out of her room with my stuff.  Weird and a little irritating.  These are the times I have to remind myself of what she was like before this dreaded disease took over her mind.  I hate letting my grandmother irritate me.  I hate these feelings I have sometimes. 

I was thinking today about something I posted yesterday.  I mentioned that she can't find anything in the house.  She thinks all her stuff has been moved out of the house when she wasn't looking.  I remembered that when the boys and I first moved in, all the things you would use on a daily basis in the kitchen, for example, was out on the bar.  Skillets, bowls, plates, etc. lined the bar so much that there was no room to prepare or cook any food.  I thought it was weird then and now I understand that when things are in the cabinets she forgets about them or can't find them.  I've noticed I will call her when meals are ready and she always says she will wait on me to make my plate first.  This is because I will get out the plates and silverware, so she does't have to look for them.  So, I just get everything out and sometimes make her plate.  This is something I do, without mentioning it, so she can think she is still in control. 

So, I am getting ready to turn into bed and don't know what to expect tomorrow.  Things that were okay today may not be tomorrow.  Today I used too much water.  We have gotten six inches of rain today alone, over two feet over the past couple months, but she cautions me to be careful for when we will be told we can not use water anymore...because of droubt.  Perhaps she is right, but I don't know.  Tomorrow the water will be fine but we need to get organized again.  Who knows what tomorrow holds.  If all else fails, she is definitely keeping me on my toes.

Some Days are Better than Others

Every morning I wake up not knowing what things or frankly who I am going to face that day.  I have been living full time with my grandmother for almost five months now.  If you ask her though my boys and I have only been here about a month...if asked she has always answered about a month.  I remember when we first moved in with her, she was very overwhelmed.  Again, you have to remember I didn't have a grasp of how her alzheimer's had progressed.  I also didn't have a great understanding of how to deal with it.  I guess I still don't.  I mean, I haven't read any books, although my aunt has given me one she found helpful.  I am not a person with a medical background.  I have never dealt with this before.  I am doing the best I can each day.  I listen to everyone's advice on "this is how you should handle that" or "this is what I would do if it were me" but the truth of the matter is, it's not you, you are not the one having to handle anything.  You can hang up the phone or just go home.  This is my home now.  This is my life.  This is my problem.

Over the last few months I have noticed there are specific things that grandma is uncomfortable with or simply doesn't understand.  She goes in cycles of being upset about all these things.  For example, it started the day we moved in...we need to get organized, once we do everything will settle down.  At first this seemed like a legitimate argument.  I mean a family of three moved in on this woman who had been living virtually alone for the past nine years.  And not only three people but two of them are small children and everyone knows children have toys...lots and lots of toys.  Basically I had a lot of stuff.  So, it made sense when she said we just need to get organized, because that is exactly what we needed to do.  What I didn't understand then, but do now, is that she hasn't known where her own belongings were in her own house for a long time now.  I mean, there are items she can't find that have been in the same place for the past twenty years.  I can find this stuff with my eyes closed.  She is lost in her own house...all the time.

My grandmother lived through World War II, the great depression, she has sat by and watched almost all of her friends and siblings die.  She is quite a woman.  It only makes sense that the woman doesn't want to waste anything and conserve everything.  Another cycle we have concerns the laundry.  She seems obsessed with the laundry.  While we are in this cycle, EVERY time I start a load of laundry she is right beside me, watching me and EVERY time she says, "now we need to get together when we do laundry and wash our clothes together.  That would save on doing so much.  Water costs money.  There is no reason to do laundry everyday."  Now I know to just agree with her.  The truth of the matter is that I do not do laundry everyday.  I do laundry once a week, but in her mind time is nothing.  It doesn't matter.  Time does not exist in her mind anymore. 

And yet another cycle we have is "who is in charge?"  There seems to be, what grandma has named, a "power struggle" in the home.  She feels she should be in control of me and my boys and herself and I disagree completely.  Now here is the truly tricky part.  I have been taught from day one to respect my elders and do as they say.  Growing up, my grandparents were often my babysitters.  I would go to their house after school and wait until my mother got off from work.  I moved in with my grandparents while I was in college to help grandma take care of my sick grandfather.  All this time she was my "boss."  She told me what to do and how to act and I would do it, for the most part.  There may have been the occassional sigh and eye roll.  But, when push came to shove, I knew what I needed to do and that was to mind my grandma.  Now the roles have changed and she doesn't know.  I have grown up and am now a mother myself and she doesn't understand.  The problem is, she has a mind of a child so my three year old's ideas seem great to her and all I do is "gripe."  To her I am no fun and very strict.  I don't take her advice on anything even though she has raised kids before.  All I do is disagree with her.  This is very frusterating because I have no choice but to disagree with her on some things.  I am trying very hard to do what I think is right while making her think I agree with everything she says.  I am still trying to give her the respect she deserves while being the "boss" of the house.  Basically, some days are better than others.

Introduction

Well, I guess I should introduce myself.  I am a twenty-nine year old mother of two little boys who is going through a divorce and currently living with my eighy-six year old grandmother.  My husband was abusive, so six years and two kids later,  I decided it was time to get out.  So, I packed mine and my children's things and took off for "home."  I moved in with my grandmother.  She was living alone and dealing with having alzheimer's.  She, along with every other woman in my family, is very strong and has always been a pillar for me in times of need.  You can imagine my shock when I moved in with her and discovered the woman I once knew was no longer around.  It's not like I never talked to my grandma and didn't realize she had alzheimer's...we talked almost everyday at least on the phone.  Sometimes we would talk numerous times a day in short intervals, I do have two boys both under the age of three at the time.  I talked to her as much as I could but for sure saw her once a week.  I had heard reports from the doctor that she was in the beginning stages of alzheimer's, but I had no idea how bad it was until I moved in.  No one did. 

Now I am faced with dealing with the emotional recovery of being in an abusive marriage while being the best mom I can be of my now three and one year old boys...and being the caregiver of my grandmother.  I am going to take you on my journey, if you wish to join me, of trying my best to give this wonderful woman the dignity and respect she deserves while being completely in charge of everything she does.  This includes going to bed at night with the television tuned into her favorite morning news channel so she doesn't have to search through all the channels, to getting the coffee pot completely ready for her to wake up and turn it on so she can still "make her own coffee." 

 Don't get me wrong, I love this woman and have more respect for her than anyone else in the world, but sometimes she drives me crazy. 

This is my journey...