Right now I am faced with a trial. It is now to where I do not feel comfortable leaving the house at all. We have made a change at home with the television and it is all I can do to maintain my sanity. Apparently the television was more of a babysitter for my grandmother than I thought. The cable has been out the past week and I have been unable to leave the house and come back with everything in one piece. The boys and I would leave and run a couple errands and come back a couple hours later and we wouldn't find grandma in her chair like usual. She would be somewhere in the house and into something. I have caught her in my room and the boys room. I have seen where she has tried to get into her medication, which I've moved to a locked box in my bedroom. I have been afraid to leave the house because of the dread I have knowing the messes I will have to clean up when I get back home.
Today I went to my mother's house and I was gone for two hours. When I walked back in the door I heard her talking to a lady on the LifeLine monitor. She wears this button around her neck to push in case she "falls and she can't get up." So, I walk in and hear her immediately tell this woman that she heard her family come back and she will be fine now. The woman was very insistent and continued to verify that grandma could not breathe and whether or not she needed help. Grandma said, "no, I'm fine now" and disconnected the call. I could hear the phone ring as I left and went back to the car to carry in the rest of my things. I came back in and she was sitting on the couch folding towels. I asked her what that whole thing was about and she tells me that the LifeLine people called her and asked how she was doing and she told them she wasn't breathing good. She reminded me how she gets shortness of breath whenever she gets up to do anything...like whenever she gets up to get ready to go anywhere, or when she does chores around the house (remember, she was folding towels). About that time the phone starts to ring again and she tells me I'd better answer this time. It was the LifeLine lady calling back and this time VERY insistent to see how grandma was doing. I stepped outside and asked the woman if grandma had pushed the button and she had. Grandma had gotten the towels out of the dryer and got short-winded. She pushed her button and asked the lady who answered if she could get a portable oxygen machine so she could still do things around the house. The woman told me she tried to explain to grandma that they could not prescribe or deliver medications. I tried to explain to the woman that grandma has dementia and I was very sorry.
How can I go anywhere or do anything? I never know what I am going to come home to. Although, what kind of a life would it be for the boys if they never got to go anywhere? What am I going to do????
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Failure
I feel like a failure. I feel like I am failing at everything. I am failing my grandmother, my family, and my children. Recently, while talking with some family members, grandma suggested I go back to work to start earning some of my own money. Then I would be gone all day and she would finally be able to do whatever she wants without me here bossing her around. Let me tell you, that made me feel really good. Like the past year and a half has been such a waste, because all I've been doing is making her life miserable. She has been criticizing everything I do and nothing is right. The garden is wrong, my house keeping is unsatisfactory, my child-rearing is a miserable attempt. I just get so tired of busting my butt to be cut down and made to feel like trash, like I'm failing at everything. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. It is three against one...all the time. I am tired, so tired, of being asked to defend every time I get on to the boys. Or anything I ask the boys to do that she doesn't understand or agree with. Simple things like bath time. I ask them to come get in the bath tub and they say "no" and she yells "no" right with them and then helps them hide from me. They go jump in her chair and she tries her best to prevent me from getting to them. I am mentally exhausted from fighting with everyone all the time. In her mind I can't do anything right so she is turning the boys to think that too. All I can do is my best and that is not enough right now.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Exhausted
Dementia is exhausting sometimes. I feel like I'm, oh what's his name, Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day. That movie stressed me out and now I am living it. My grandmother's short term memory is totally gone. It can be so frustrating for both of us. When I say dementia is exhausting, I mean it is exhausting for grandma too. She shared with me this week that people ask her questions and she may be able to answer the question but can't remember anything surrounding the answer. And sometimes she thinks she should know the answers, but just can't reach them. She lives in a constant fog and state of confusion.
I will watch her sitting in her chair in the living room and she just looks around like she's looking for something. As I have noticed her short term memory slipping, I can now realize that she loses what she is doing or watching on television and just looks around hoping something or someone will remind her.
Mealtimes are changing also. As soon as I start getting the kids' plates ready she comes in waiting for her plate too. I have to serve her right when I do my children or she gets jealous. She initially comes into the kitchen like she is going to make herself a plate, but she loses track of what she is doing. Today, for example, she came into the kitchen and I had a plate laid out for her. She went to the sink and completely forgot what I had just told her. I went and sat down and the next thing I know she comes over to the table with her food wrapped in a towel. We were having tacos and rice and she just got one taco wrapped in a kitchen towel and completely forgot about the rice.
I just feel so bad for her and I know she is only getting worse. She reaches out to me and I have no explanations and no way to make this any better.
I will watch her sitting in her chair in the living room and she just looks around like she's looking for something. As I have noticed her short term memory slipping, I can now realize that she loses what she is doing or watching on television and just looks around hoping something or someone will remind her.
Mealtimes are changing also. As soon as I start getting the kids' plates ready she comes in waiting for her plate too. I have to serve her right when I do my children or she gets jealous. She initially comes into the kitchen like she is going to make herself a plate, but she loses track of what she is doing. Today, for example, she came into the kitchen and I had a plate laid out for her. She went to the sink and completely forgot what I had just told her. I went and sat down and the next thing I know she comes over to the table with her food wrapped in a towel. We were having tacos and rice and she just got one taco wrapped in a kitchen towel and completely forgot about the rice.
I just feel so bad for her and I know she is only getting worse. She reaches out to me and I have no explanations and no way to make this any better.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Rough week
It has been a really tough week. But, I have learned to change my strategy and am feeling better about things. I have had a headache for the past seven days and I am tired of it. I now dread coming home and I am tired of that too. I live in a world of negativity and I am tired of it.
I am tired of grandma constantly bossing around my children. If I get tired of hearing it, I'm sure they do to. That is probably why they have seemed a little stressed out here lately. And when the children are stressed out, mommy is not too far behind. She insists that we all stay in the same room together and then the proceeds to sit in her chair and yell at us about all the things we are doing wrong. I mean, I have two small boys and they like to wrestle around with each other, GET OVER IT! The concept that I am their mom and I am allowing certain things to go on means nothing to her. If they leave the room, she will get up and follow them and then demand they come back in the living room where she can watch them. Meanwhile, I continue to send them into their room to get a break from the madness and play with their toys, and a while later she is right after them again. Today she asked me why I disagree with everything she says and so I decided to be honest with her and tell her that she needs to stop mothering my children and let me do it. That is my new stradegy...telling her like it is. Being upfront and as honest as possible. I even told her she was being paranoid the other day...which she totally was.
The other evening after dinner the telephone rang and it was someone wanting me to take a survey. Now usually I don't partake in these things, but this one interested me so I played along. Right away grandma starts telling me that I need to hang up because I am not supposed to talk to people like this. You see, we have warned her about giving out information over the phone because of all the scams out there. She continues to yell to me and then gets up and gets in my face, to which I wave her away. She disappears from the kitchen where I was and a few minutes later I can hear someone breathing into the phone...SHE WENT AND PICKED UP THE OTHER PHONE AND WAS LISTENING IN ON MY CONVERSATION!!! I couldn't believe it. After I hung up I asked her if she had picked up the other phone and she admitted to it with a no-nonsense air and told me "I just wanted to see what they were talking you into buying." Apparently, the thirty times I told her exactly who I was talking to didn't register.
The same night I notice that she had cut apart one of my boys' hooded towels. She doesn't like to fold them, so while I wasn't at home she cut off the hood and folded the towel up and put it in the bathroom cabinet. Needless to say, after that, I JUST ABOUT LOST IT! I think I actually saw red I was so mad. I seems like I leave her alone at home and, like a dog left by its owner, she goes completely crazy. She just runs around and gets into everything she's not supposed to.
I went to my friend's house the other day and we hung out for awhile then I did all my errands that I had to do. I was gone from the house a total of seven hours. I woke up early and put a pot roast in the crock pot and left it cooking on low all day. When I came home (remember it was seven hours later) the roast was boiling on high and part of it had been eaten. I immediately asked her about it and she denied doing anything besides stirring it. Apparently it was someone else. Someone snuck into the house, without her knowledge, and turned it up to high and then they ate some of it. You just can't trust your neighbors! Earlier that day I was kind of toying with the idea of getting a little part time job. And that little idea was totally shot to death when I got home. I realized that I can NOT leave her alone. I suddenly felt like a prisoner in this house. I can not get any sort of job because I can't leave her alone for very long at a time. I had the realization that my freedom is limited. When we first moved in I could stay gone most of the day and she was fine. I could even be gone for meal time and she would do fine. But that day I realized that things have changed over that past year.
I am tired of grandma constantly bossing around my children. If I get tired of hearing it, I'm sure they do to. That is probably why they have seemed a little stressed out here lately. And when the children are stressed out, mommy is not too far behind. She insists that we all stay in the same room together and then the proceeds to sit in her chair and yell at us about all the things we are doing wrong. I mean, I have two small boys and they like to wrestle around with each other, GET OVER IT! The concept that I am their mom and I am allowing certain things to go on means nothing to her. If they leave the room, she will get up and follow them and then demand they come back in the living room where she can watch them. Meanwhile, I continue to send them into their room to get a break from the madness and play with their toys, and a while later she is right after them again. Today she asked me why I disagree with everything she says and so I decided to be honest with her and tell her that she needs to stop mothering my children and let me do it. That is my new stradegy...telling her like it is. Being upfront and as honest as possible. I even told her she was being paranoid the other day...which she totally was.
The other evening after dinner the telephone rang and it was someone wanting me to take a survey. Now usually I don't partake in these things, but this one interested me so I played along. Right away grandma starts telling me that I need to hang up because I am not supposed to talk to people like this. You see, we have warned her about giving out information over the phone because of all the scams out there. She continues to yell to me and then gets up and gets in my face, to which I wave her away. She disappears from the kitchen where I was and a few minutes later I can hear someone breathing into the phone...SHE WENT AND PICKED UP THE OTHER PHONE AND WAS LISTENING IN ON MY CONVERSATION!!! I couldn't believe it. After I hung up I asked her if she had picked up the other phone and she admitted to it with a no-nonsense air and told me "I just wanted to see what they were talking you into buying." Apparently, the thirty times I told her exactly who I was talking to didn't register.
The same night I notice that she had cut apart one of my boys' hooded towels. She doesn't like to fold them, so while I wasn't at home she cut off the hood and folded the towel up and put it in the bathroom cabinet. Needless to say, after that, I JUST ABOUT LOST IT! I think I actually saw red I was so mad. I seems like I leave her alone at home and, like a dog left by its owner, she goes completely crazy. She just runs around and gets into everything she's not supposed to.
I went to my friend's house the other day and we hung out for awhile then I did all my errands that I had to do. I was gone from the house a total of seven hours. I woke up early and put a pot roast in the crock pot and left it cooking on low all day. When I came home (remember it was seven hours later) the roast was boiling on high and part of it had been eaten. I immediately asked her about it and she denied doing anything besides stirring it. Apparently it was someone else. Someone snuck into the house, without her knowledge, and turned it up to high and then they ate some of it. You just can't trust your neighbors! Earlier that day I was kind of toying with the idea of getting a little part time job. And that little idea was totally shot to death when I got home. I realized that I can NOT leave her alone. I suddenly felt like a prisoner in this house. I can not get any sort of job because I can't leave her alone for very long at a time. I had the realization that my freedom is limited. When we first moved in I could stay gone most of the day and she was fine. I could even be gone for meal time and she would do fine. But that day I realized that things have changed over that past year.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Why I do it...
I find myself getting irritated with situations that I encounter with the woman that used to be my grandmother. Little things like her constantly disciplining the boys, even after I tell her things are fine. Or her getting onto me for disciplining my boys when they truly deserved it. Or her coming into the room and turning off the television that we were all watching. Or her telling me to do the same thing, over and over, everytime she walks into the room. It is these situations that I have to take a step back and remind myself why I do this. This woman is not my grandmother anymore, this disease has taken over her mind and she is not there. Every now and then grandma will emerge with a familiar story. But then she disappears again when she tells the story to me over and over. It is my job to take care of this woman. To clean up after her messes, to overlook her telling me the same stories over and over and seem interested everytime, to tolerate the hostilities she sometimes expresses, to make sure she gets the correct medication on time. And this is why...
Growing up I always had a place to go. It was my grandparent's house. I always had someone there waiting after school. I always had food to eat, because whatever was in the fridge was "yours if you want it" and I always wanted it! If I wanted to play beauty shop then grandma would have barretts all over her head by the time mom came to pick me up. If I wanted to play horse then both my grandparents would get down on all fours and let me ride on their backs and they would be tied up to the dining room table when mom got there to pick me up. I played dress up, got into all her costume jewelry, learned to sew, learned to garden, learned to cook. This woman was a fountain of knowledge and she was all mine, or at least that's how I felt. I always had a ride to voice lessons, pom practice, ball games, anywhere I wanted to go. Now don't get me wrong, I have the best mom in the world who has always had time for me. But, I have two other sisters who also had practice and needed to go here or there. So, it was nice to have my grandparents as just one more thing I could count on. They were my rock. As I grew up my needs and wants changed but their desire and ability to help me never did. I never lacked for love and support from them. Until now.
Anytime I would step foot into the house, a sense of calm would come over me. I knew I was safe. When my marriage fell apart it was no suprise that I came running back to my safe haven, my grandparent's house. Unfortunately I didn't find it the way I'd remembered it just years before. What I found was a widow that was barely hanging onto the ability of living alone. We lost my grandfather nine years ago so grandma was doing okay being without him, but she was living in a new world with this disease. I am so sorry that I didn't realize sooner how bad she was getting, but I thank God everyday that I am here now.
I owe so much to both my grandparents that I can never repay them. But the thing with family is, they don't keep score. There was no running tally in my grandmother's head of all the things she did for me. There was never any question of what she would get in return. There was only pure love and the complete desire the help however she could. Even if I didn't ask for it sometimes. All she ever wanted to do was help me. And now I am given the opportunity to do the same.
I get aggravated and irritated daily. I don't know if I can take another day. I consider moving out and getting my own place with my own things and my own rules. And then I remember why I do it...and I wake up the next morning and do it all over again.
Growing up I always had a place to go. It was my grandparent's house. I always had someone there waiting after school. I always had food to eat, because whatever was in the fridge was "yours if you want it" and I always wanted it! If I wanted to play beauty shop then grandma would have barretts all over her head by the time mom came to pick me up. If I wanted to play horse then both my grandparents would get down on all fours and let me ride on their backs and they would be tied up to the dining room table when mom got there to pick me up. I played dress up, got into all her costume jewelry, learned to sew, learned to garden, learned to cook. This woman was a fountain of knowledge and she was all mine, or at least that's how I felt. I always had a ride to voice lessons, pom practice, ball games, anywhere I wanted to go. Now don't get me wrong, I have the best mom in the world who has always had time for me. But, I have two other sisters who also had practice and needed to go here or there. So, it was nice to have my grandparents as just one more thing I could count on. They were my rock. As I grew up my needs and wants changed but their desire and ability to help me never did. I never lacked for love and support from them. Until now.
Anytime I would step foot into the house, a sense of calm would come over me. I knew I was safe. When my marriage fell apart it was no suprise that I came running back to my safe haven, my grandparent's house. Unfortunately I didn't find it the way I'd remembered it just years before. What I found was a widow that was barely hanging onto the ability of living alone. We lost my grandfather nine years ago so grandma was doing okay being without him, but she was living in a new world with this disease. I am so sorry that I didn't realize sooner how bad she was getting, but I thank God everyday that I am here now.
I owe so much to both my grandparents that I can never repay them. But the thing with family is, they don't keep score. There was no running tally in my grandmother's head of all the things she did for me. There was never any question of what she would get in return. There was only pure love and the complete desire the help however she could. Even if I didn't ask for it sometimes. All she ever wanted to do was help me. And now I am given the opportunity to do the same.
I get aggravated and irritated daily. I don't know if I can take another day. I consider moving out and getting my own place with my own things and my own rules. And then I remember why I do it...and I wake up the next morning and do it all over again.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Family Vacation
I just got back from a week long trip with my entire family. My grandmother, aunt and myself rented a minivan and drove 15 hours to Florida to spend the week on the beach. Grandma was NOT looking forward to this trip at all. She does not like to leave the house and was not looking forward to spending that much time in a car. Because I was looking forward to spending 15 hours stuck in a van with my grandmother, who is complaining about EVERYTHING, my aunt, who has arthritis and sever neck and back pain, and my two small children. For those who can't tell...I am being completely sarcastic. But, we survived.
While we were in Florida we had a pretty good time. Grandma stayed at the house a lot while we all would go run around...shopping, out to eat, etc. She doesn't like to do these things at home, so I figured she wouldn't want to on vacation. Also, I was concerned that she was getting overly tired and wanted to make sure she was given plenty of time to rest. We cooked a lot at home and someone was always popping in and out of the house to check on her. However, she still found plenty to complain about.
It's been about a week since we've been back home and grandma has let all of us know that she was truly neglected on our vacation. This honestly makes me angry. I'm not sure how many of her friends are going on vacations to the beach with their families. Most of her friends I know of are either no longer living or in a nursing home. I just get so aggravated that my family and I try to do something nice for her and she can not even bring herself to appreciate it. This disease makes her feel completely alone and therefore, neglected. Since we've been back I have been working like crazy to get unpacked and everything cleaned and put away from the trip. And getting the house ready for winter. You know, bringing in the plants, swapping our summer clothes for winter clothes in the closets. She has done NOTHING but complain about how messy the house is, how much laundry I do, and how I am not winterizing everything fast enough.
Also, I am having some trouble with her interfering with the children again. I had to raise my voice to her the other day in an attempt to get her attention and let her know I was serious. The boys have been sick the past few days and we have stayed at home. She repeatedly comes and tells me their symptoms and how I am not properly taking care of them. I should have them all bundled up because it is cold in the house and it is no wonder they have bad coughs. I remind her that the house is 76 degrees and is only cold to her because of her poor circulation. Everytime I turn around she is trying to wrap the boys in her blanket and begging them to curl up in the chair with her. She is also interferring when I try to put them to bed. I have gotten out of the shower and she has gone into their rooms and gotten them both out of bed. She also encourages them to run from me and not mind me. She find it entertaining and laughs and cheers them on.
I am currently dealing with keeping her from interfering with the children at meal times. She tries to feed my youngest, who loves to feed himself, and when he doesn't eat for her, she takes his plate away and he is left in the highchair with nothing. I have been having trouble getting the boys to eat lately. Perhaps it is because they are not feeling well, but they have been really fighting over what I have been preparing for meals. They are never happy with it or want to eat it. So, everyday for every meal she tells me that I should prepare only things they like and enjoy eating. What?!? Who does that? I try to explain that my children would die of heart attacks by the age of six if they only ate chicken nuggets and french fries three meals a day.
I am so exhausted right now. Getting back from vacation and immediately having to deal with two sick kids and grandma is not doing well. This is almost more than I can bear sometimes.
While we were in Florida we had a pretty good time. Grandma stayed at the house a lot while we all would go run around...shopping, out to eat, etc. She doesn't like to do these things at home, so I figured she wouldn't want to on vacation. Also, I was concerned that she was getting overly tired and wanted to make sure she was given plenty of time to rest. We cooked a lot at home and someone was always popping in and out of the house to check on her. However, she still found plenty to complain about.
It's been about a week since we've been back home and grandma has let all of us know that she was truly neglected on our vacation. This honestly makes me angry. I'm not sure how many of her friends are going on vacations to the beach with their families. Most of her friends I know of are either no longer living or in a nursing home. I just get so aggravated that my family and I try to do something nice for her and she can not even bring herself to appreciate it. This disease makes her feel completely alone and therefore, neglected. Since we've been back I have been working like crazy to get unpacked and everything cleaned and put away from the trip. And getting the house ready for winter. You know, bringing in the plants, swapping our summer clothes for winter clothes in the closets. She has done NOTHING but complain about how messy the house is, how much laundry I do, and how I am not winterizing everything fast enough.
Also, I am having some trouble with her interfering with the children again. I had to raise my voice to her the other day in an attempt to get her attention and let her know I was serious. The boys have been sick the past few days and we have stayed at home. She repeatedly comes and tells me their symptoms and how I am not properly taking care of them. I should have them all bundled up because it is cold in the house and it is no wonder they have bad coughs. I remind her that the house is 76 degrees and is only cold to her because of her poor circulation. Everytime I turn around she is trying to wrap the boys in her blanket and begging them to curl up in the chair with her. She is also interferring when I try to put them to bed. I have gotten out of the shower and she has gone into their rooms and gotten them both out of bed. She also encourages them to run from me and not mind me. She find it entertaining and laughs and cheers them on.
I am currently dealing with keeping her from interfering with the children at meal times. She tries to feed my youngest, who loves to feed himself, and when he doesn't eat for her, she takes his plate away and he is left in the highchair with nothing. I have been having trouble getting the boys to eat lately. Perhaps it is because they are not feeling well, but they have been really fighting over what I have been preparing for meals. They are never happy with it or want to eat it. So, everyday for every meal she tells me that I should prepare only things they like and enjoy eating. What?!? Who does that? I try to explain that my children would die of heart attacks by the age of six if they only ate chicken nuggets and french fries three meals a day.
I am so exhausted right now. Getting back from vacation and immediately having to deal with two sick kids and grandma is not doing well. This is almost more than I can bear sometimes.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Suprise! We're Moving In!
No, not really. We actually moved in here nine months ago but grandma is back in her cycle of thinking we just moved in and she is frantically trying to get us organized. She spent Friday afternoon organizing the cabinet with the plates. When she was finished it looked like a tornado hit it. There were plates and bowls and even a few cups put all over the place. My parents came over for dinner and my mother got to see firsthand grandma's handywork. If she creates this kind of craziness on a little cabinet how do you think the rest of the house looks? Grandma has been doing laundry like crazy. Every night the boys and I put our dirty clothes in the hamper and the next day grandma will wash them. It may sound nice, having your laundry done for you practically the instant you take it off. But, she does the laundry about as good as she organizes the cabinets.
She tries to watch the news and keep up with current events, but the news goes too fast and she can't remember anything she reads in the paper. The other day she was sitting in her chair watching the news and I was in the kitchen and she yells to me that they are removing the letters C,Q, and X from the alphabet. WHAT?!? I can't even imagine what story she actually heard to think they said they are going to start removing letters from the alphabet! Like from now on instead of having a car we will all just be driving around in ars? And England will no longer have a Queen, they will just have Ueen Elizabeth? What in the world?!? Needless to say, I had NO response for her.
Recently Chaz Bono has been in the news due to his being on Dancing with the Stars. She is completely determined that this poor person has had three sex changes in his life. Apparently, Sonny and Cher were upset because they had a little girl and from the beginning tried to convince her that she should be a boy. Then, they decided to have their daughter turned into a son. Later, Chaz thought he really wanted to be a girl after all and changed himself back into a girl. And after that she decided she really wanted to be a man so she changed herself back into a man with a third operation. At first she was disgusted with Chaz, or rather the idea of Chaz. But after watching him perform the last few weeks on DWTS she now feels sorry for him and was wanting me to vote for him. She thinks it will improve his self-esteem. She also blames the parents for him having to go through all this.
At this point I have no idea where in the world she is getting this information or what the actually information is that she is getting so badly confused. So, I am off to get organized and work to remove the letters C, Q, and X from my vocabulary.
She tries to watch the news and keep up with current events, but the news goes too fast and she can't remember anything she reads in the paper. The other day she was sitting in her chair watching the news and I was in the kitchen and she yells to me that they are removing the letters C,Q, and X from the alphabet. WHAT?!? I can't even imagine what story she actually heard to think they said they are going to start removing letters from the alphabet! Like from now on instead of having a car we will all just be driving around in ars? And England will no longer have a Queen, they will just have Ueen Elizabeth? What in the world?!? Needless to say, I had NO response for her.
Recently Chaz Bono has been in the news due to his being on Dancing with the Stars. She is completely determined that this poor person has had three sex changes in his life. Apparently, Sonny and Cher were upset because they had a little girl and from the beginning tried to convince her that she should be a boy. Then, they decided to have their daughter turned into a son. Later, Chaz thought he really wanted to be a girl after all and changed himself back into a girl. And after that she decided she really wanted to be a man so she changed herself back into a man with a third operation. At first she was disgusted with Chaz, or rather the idea of Chaz. But after watching him perform the last few weeks on DWTS she now feels sorry for him and was wanting me to vote for him. She thinks it will improve his self-esteem. She also blames the parents for him having to go through all this.
At this point I have no idea where in the world she is getting this information or what the actually information is that she is getting so badly confused. So, I am off to get organized and work to remove the letters C, Q, and X from my vocabulary.
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